It doesn't hurt less

It's been over a year since I last blogged and boy what a year it has been.... Since I have last blogged my world has changed and come crashing down....  It is hard to believe how quickly things can change...

I don't even know where to start.... My last post was about being a mom and losing who I am... and I am still there... Still don't know who I am and to be honest I am more lost and confused then I was a year ago. How is that possible? I lost one of the most important people I have ever known. The person who made me who I am, taught me what I know, how to be tough, loving, caring and a bitch when needed. The person who taught me to be a mom, who made everything OK even when it wasn't. MY MOM..... I am by no means a stupid person. I know that life ends and we all loose loved ones, but somehow in my mind I thought I would have my mom forever. I thought that she would be around for all of my life. I know that sounds stupid and I know life isn't forever, but for her it should have been.

You know the saying about how when your kids grow up they become your best friend? Well I don't think that is true! I think it's the other way around... My mom was MY best friend! She was not only my best friend She was my angel.... She started as my guardian angel and she still is my guardian angel. Many people say that they would be dead if they hadn't met someone and in this case that was the truth. My mom isn't my biological mother, she adopted us ( yes us, me and my brother). If she hadn't come into our lives when she did, the two of us may not have been here, nor would we have been able to grow up together. She not only took us in, she gave us everything she had and some.

I thought I could never have missed her more then I did when I first lost her, but that isn't the case. It is said that the first year is the hardest.... NO! It's all hard!!! It doesn't get easier, you just find that you don't have the time to sit and think about your loss, about how bad it hurts. I say this because when you do have time, or something reminds you of your broken heart, it still hurts, hurts just as bad as it did the day you lost them. Life is distracting and you have 2 choices, you go on with life and let it distract you..... or...... YOU DON'T.....

My kids are my life and I owe it to my mother to continue on, to teach my children all of the things she taught me, to show them how to live, and how to love! This is how I can go on, because I know that I am keeping my mother alive in everything I do! I have many memories, stories, and laughs that I need to share with my kiddos so they can also share in the things my mom gave to me all of the years she was mine!!!! I am not looking forward to starting another year without my mother, but I do look forward to continuing our stories, our memories, our laughs, and our love!

I need to live life the way my mom would want and to quote her favorite movie MAME, 1974 " Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!"

My taught me to LIVE and that is what I shall do!!!

I love you mom! I miss you more and more each day!!!!!!!!!!!!! If only I could move the clock back!!!

I know this is kind of a rant and all over the place, but sometimes you just need to get it out!

My Blog

I wanted to start this blog for a few reason......

I have been really struggling recently. Struggling with things that are out of my control but also with things that are in my control. I recently turned 30 and I feel like i have failed. Failed as a wife, mother, friend, women, and many other things.

I wanted to share my feelings, thought, and also as a way to vent.

I would love for other people to know that they aren't alone.

A little history about me.

I am a 30 year old female. I am a mother of 5 wonderful children who bring smiles to my face everyday. I am a wife of 10 years.

I was adopted as a child and have had struggles with that through out my years.

If you would like to know anything else, please just ask.

Thank you
C

Who am I?

There is so much running through my mind. This is my first blog, so please bare with me.

I always have a smile on my face or at least I try to! If you asked me who I am I would tell you I am a mother, I may even say of 5 AMAZING children. I may tell you I am a wife. Does that really tell you who I am?

But who am i really? The thing is when you become a wife..... It really isn't about you and what you want to do anymore. It's about US. What we want to do. Who we are.

Then there is becoming a mother..... Even if you aren't the kind of wife who caters to her husband (which i have never been know to do) you begin to learn, and rather quickly that life if not even close to about you anymore...... It is about the amazing life you have brought into this world. The love you feel, the things you would do, for this being that grew inside of you is endless....... Those of you who have children know what I am talking about. 

You very quickly become MOM.... When I go to my kids school I am know as someone's mom. Not as me, but as my children's mom. I love it..... I have wonderful children that are my strength, my reasons, and my motivation. What I never realized until recently is I have lost WHO I AM.

There are days that I feel like it's a rat maze...... Wake up, feed the kids, take the kids to school, come home do housework (pick up after my kids), do laundry, figure out dinner, pick up the kids, do homework while fixing dinner, eat dinner, showers, and then bed. Then is starts all over again.........

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change my kids for the world..... I just wish I wouldn't have lost myself.

It is important to make time for yourself. It is important to not loose yourself!!!